Gaaaaaavs

I know what it is I have to do to come back to you, but I’ve chosen not too. I have been tempted &I have strayed away from you Lord 😞 I know I need to repent but I tell myself why repent when I know I’m just gonna keep doing it. I let temptation get the better of me &now I’m stuck somewhere that I can’t get out of. You’ve given me so many ways out Lord &yet I haven’t taken them, I lure myself in even deeper. I sit &ask myself what is wrong with me ? Why do I keep effing everything up ? I feel dead tbh, like I just have no emotion within me anymore. Don’t know why im doing the things I’ve done. I let the devil overcome me, I let him take power over my life all because of temptation. I’ve strayed away from you Lord &i feel like I can’t get back to you because I can’t stop myself from doing what I’m doing. I know what I need to do I just can’t let go of the one that I have to let go of. It’s obvious &youve made it obvious to me soo many times. A faith that was once so strong has hit rock bottom :( I don’t even know where to start to bring myself back to you, it’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. I know I need to let go of that one but I don’t know how. My prayers were answered &after that I just effed it all up. Bring me back Lord, take me back, Im begging you :(

Trying so hard not to text you but fuck, I really can’t do it. Thought turning off my phone would help but I still have a fat urge to text you. I woke up this morning thinking, hoping that it was all just a bad dream when I realised what I feared most has become reality. I’ve lost the one I love &care about for someone who I don’t even have any feelings for. I’ve lost the one who’s always there for me for someone who doesn’t even understand or know me. I’ve lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. When I think about it, I prayed &prayed for happiness &you were the answer to my prayers but I just had to ruin it. I used my head rather than listening to my heart. This is just so freaken hard, reading your message this morning I felt like I stopped breathing, my body just went all weak, I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Parents asking why I wear my glasses everywhere, even when I sleep &everything I wanted to say was spinning in my head. Cried to my dad &just told him everything. Told me to follow my heart, I smiled &said thanks just so he would think im okay but I know that it’s too late for that. &I guess this will be the last you’ll hear from me, I hope. Decided to cut my sim into tiny pieces so that I can’t bother you anymore. Oh &just wanna wish you a happy birthday ! Makua early, I know but I know this is something I won’t ever be able to get over. Maybe we’ll be talking again by then maybe we won’t so I guess just wish it to you now. Praying that God will continue to bless you with many many more years to come. Enjoy. Thank you for everything &i will forever be sorry. iloveyou x.

Lost the one that means the world to me for someone who I don’t even have any feelings for.
Hurt the one who has always been there for me for someone who doesn’t even understand me.
What to do ? There’s nothing I can do.
I hate myself for what I’ve done, m’besty didn’t deserve any if this sheit &yet he still stood by me.
I was being selfish in making him stay &now letting him go hurts more than aaanything.
I literally stopped breathing, I felt my body go weak. Had I been standing I would have collapsed.
He is everything I needed, but why did I have to go back ?
My stupid brain gets me into stupid messes like these.
But I guess that’s where I went wrong, I should have listened to my heart :(

Today, was such a beautiful day. Went to Church, was soooo happy but then after Church, my day just fuuuully got killed. You killed my day. I got angry &still blamed myself. I still felt the need to apologise. My dad asked me to drive home today after Church, I was sooo angry that I got out of the car &told my dad to drive because I was ready to go run someone over &that someone was YOU ! &Then your car went past mine &I was actually sitting there thinking damn it, I should have drove so I can crash into your car. I even told my dad to speed up &crash into you guys. My thoughts have gone way beyond evil. &Tbh, I know that if I was driving I would have crashed into you on purpose without hesitation because I was that worked up. Youve messed up with my life. I felt soooo bad for thinking such evil thoughts &after Mass even when I just finished praying my heart out to our Heavenly Father &to make things worse I took my anger out on my dad. My poor dad was getting all this sheeit from me &it was Father’s Day. &All because i let you get to me. Like what the heeeck ? Eventually, I went quiet on our drive home &then I got home &took my anger out on my sister. Ive become a person that Ive never wanted to be &I knew what I had to do. I drove down to ze cemetery where I went to see my beautiful Godmother. As soon as I got to her grave &saw her beautiful face, all the anger was released. She really is my sunshine on a rainy day. I placed my basket of flowers down on her grave &as I just stood there smiling. Everything was gone. I was back to me. Had I not been in a rush to go home, I would have sat there &poured my life out to you, but time was just not on our side today Mamma. But thats ok, because next time when I dont have my sister waiting impatiently in the car I will definitely sit &have a chat with you. I miss you soo much its undescribable &even though I dont always come to your grave whenever I think of you, everything just gets lost with the rest of the pain Im burying myself in. &I know that you are looking over me as well as Grandma &it is you both keeping me going. I love you.

But along with the anger Im beginning to realise that I think Ive gotten to the point where Im sick of trying. I dont know why youre angry, if anything I should be the one who’s angry. Its just soooo weird, even though you treat me like sheeeeit I still wanna sort things out with you. But ive decided, sort this sheeeit out &then let you be. Life’s too short to hold grudges &I know I say this all the time but with the recent deaths within our communities its made me realise that life really is too short. You dont know when your time will be here, which is why I soooo badly wanna sort things out with you because Im scared. I dont want to live in regret. I wanna say eveyrthing &then when the time comes at least I know that everything is out. So im gonna try one last time &if you continue to ignore me then thats ok. Ill just have to leave it at that. Because tbh, part of me is only pretending to care &thee other part of me just doesnt care at all. Ive been through enough sheit with you to come to the realisation that I dont need you anymore. But even though I say that, part of me isnt ready to let you go completely :/

Today m’little one said to me, ‘Dee, forgive &forget man, forgive &forget.’ &I duno, for some reason, it got to me. Like, to this moment its still running around in circles in my head. I mean, I know she’s right, I should forgive &I kindaah think I have, cause it doesnt really bother me anymore but then i really dont know why its getting to me so bad ? I hear it &even say these 3 words soooo many times to people but as I write this Ive just clicked, its never been said directly to me. Ive always been one to just put things behind me but this one time I havent ? I normally dont show my emotion, but this one time apparently I am showing emotion &people have seen how its affecting me ? :/ Im telling myself I have forgiven because Im not really angry, but I duno. I dont know how to act around you anymore ? I tried to sort things out with you but you ignored me. I didnt want things to be awkward which is why I wanted to sort things out &thats exactly what happened today when we saw each other. It was awkward &what saddened me was that m’little one was in the middle of it, like literally. &Right now, theres a huuuge part of me wanting to apologise to you, but then I dont because its like why am I the one thats ALWAYS apologising &feeling like im in the wrong ? Soo this one time, Im going to try &hold myself back from apologising but I know that it wont last long cause thats just who I am. Always apologising no matter how much Im being told that Im not the one that should be apologising but if you knew me youd know that I like to blame myself for everything that goes wrong no matter how big or small. But thats just me. Whether Ill ever grow out of this phase I dont know. I can now honestly say that being hurt doesnt get to me anymore. Its become my life. Im living in a world of pain. People come &go &its always the ones who tell me they care for me that hurt me the most. Which is why I dont welcome people into my life because its as if I have a sign on my forehead saying ‘Im easy, you can walk all over me.’ I guess its my fault. I let people walk all over me all because I dont have it in me to hurt others &even when I am just speaking my mind I end up apologising. Which is why when people tell me they care, I dont believe them. I dont tell them I dont, but I really dont, I just cant risk getting attached to people anymore. Well I can, because Im so used to getting hurt now. However, I remind myself to smile because there are people out there going through so much worse. &I dont know where Im going with this post so imma just stop. But to anyone who maybe reading this, if anyone, remember to smile.