Is it okay that i miss you ? :L went to this funeral today &even at the family service i was thinking of you. As Father did his lauga he spoke about Onesemu &how he was a person who changed people, he made a change in people’s hearts. Then he ended with something like we are all Onesemu’s to each other &how theres always that one person who is our Onesemu, making change in one’s life. As soon as he said that, first person that came into my head was you. You changed me for the better, ive learnt so much from you &for that i thank you. I know i tell you all the time but its cause its true. I remember when i used to hear homilys like that &i always used to sit there like, i wander when the day will come that ill feel that way about someone, someone that will change me without me even realising &on Thursday night you came into my head. It made me realise that it really is true, so many things have affirmed things for me about you &all these deaths just make me realise that we really do never know when our last breath will be. I mean this man was one of the healthiest people we knew, was the biggest shock in our community. &i know i tell you things over &over but i guess this death has made me realise that i dont wanna die holding everything in. I dont know what happens in the after life but at least when i return home ill return knowing that ive said everything i need to. Thank you for being my Onesemu :D iloveyou 😘💕💖💛💙💜💚❤
My times are in your hands…
Psalm 31:15, NIV.
God has a set time for your opportunity. There is a set time for that problem to turn around, a set time for your healing, your promotion, your breakthrough. It may be tomorrow, or next week, or five years from now. But when you understand the time has already been set, it takes all the pressure off. You won’t live worried, wondering when this is ever going to happen. You’ll relax and enjoy your life knowing that the promise has already been scheduled and your answer is on the way!
“If anyone has this world’s goods (resources for sustaining life) and sees his brother and fellow believer in need, yet closes his heart of compassion against him, how can the love of God live and remain in him? Let us not love [merely] in theory or in speech but in deed and in truth.” (1 John 3:17–18, AMP)
I’ve heard it said that you can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving. Notice this verse tells us that love isn’t just about our words or thoughts, it’s about our actions. Love is about reaching out and meeting the needs of others. Sometimes meeting someone’s needs is as simple as a smile or sharing a word of encouragement. There are many ways to show the love of God. Can you pay for someone’s gas or groceries? Do you see a need in someone’s life that you can meet? Remember, you are the hands and feet of Jesus in the earth. The Lord wants to bless you today so that you can be a blessing to others. He wants to work through you to show His love and compassion.
Today and every day, look for ways to put your love into action. The Bible says that it’s His kindness that leads people to repentance. He wants to show His kindness in the earth through you. Step out and sow good seeds of love by meeting the needs of others. God promises that those seeds will produce an abundant harvest in your life in return!
Looove this. Soo true. Love the scripture, it always reminds me of the day where I came to thee realisation that I still had a connection with our Father. A few days ago, I was sitting on the bus, reading my daily Bible verses for the day, going through them all till I reached this very scripture &i had this feeling in me that these were my verses for the day, there was no need to search any longer but at the same time I was thinking I dont understand what is He trying to say to me, am i going to reject someone in need which is something that I would never do so all that was in my head was, Lord why ? You know I would never do such a thing, but I took the verses on board anyway. Still on the bus, I see a lady moving around to different seats &Im staring at her like what is she doing ? Getting frustrated &thinking just sit in one seat, gosh, i was getting soo angry, i dont know why though, not like she was doing anything to me lol. It got to the point where she started at the front &ended up at the back where I was sitting, it was then that I felt a tap on my shoulder, she was asking around for spare change, as she moved from seat to seat I watched people shake their heads to her sooo many times &in my head instantly came the verses I just read. Without thought or hesitation, my hand went straight into my pocket &gave her what I had. God spoke to me that day, I became world’s happiest that day. Yes, I lost $2 but I was serving God, He called &I answered that call to help those in need. My walk isnt the strongest atm, but He is affirming me in connecting with me through His word &answering my prayers. I am truly blessed &very greatful. Viia le Alii. God is gooood ; All the time ! :D x.
I know what it is I have to do to come back to you, but I’ve chosen not too. I have been tempted &I have strayed away from you Lord 😞 I know I need to repent but I tell myself why repent when I know I’m just gonna keep doing it. I let temptation get the better of me &now I’m stuck somewhere that I can’t get out of. You’ve given me so many ways out Lord &yet I haven’t taken them, I lure myself in even deeper. I sit &ask myself what is wrong with me ? Why do I keep effing everything up ? I feel dead tbh, like I just have no emotion within me anymore. Don’t know why im doing the things I’ve done. I let the devil overcome me, I let him take power over my life all because of temptation. I’ve strayed away from you Lord &i feel like I can’t get back to you because I can’t stop myself from doing what I’m doing. I know what I need to do I just can’t let go of the one that I have to let go of. It’s obvious &youve made it obvious to me soo many times. A faith that was once so strong has hit rock bottom :( I don’t even know where to start to bring myself back to you, it’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. I know I need to let go of that one but I don’t know how. My prayers were answered &after that I just effed it all up. Bring me back Lord, take me back, Im begging you :(
Lost the one that means the world to me for someone who I don’t even have any feelings for.
Hurt the one who has always been there for me for someone who doesn’t even understand me.
What to do ? There’s nothing I can do.
I hate myself for what I’ve done, m’besty didn’t deserve any if this sheit &yet he still stood by me.
I was being selfish in making him stay &now letting him go hurts more than aaanything.
I literally stopped breathing, I felt my body go weak. Had I been standing I would have collapsed.
He is everything I needed, but why did I have to go back ?
My stupid brain gets me into stupid messes like these.
But I guess that’s where I went wrong, I should have listened to my heart :(
The same God that opens doors will close doors. Maybe you prayed and didn’t get the job you really wanted or a relationship didn’t work out. It’s easy to allow rejection to lead to discouragement and think that God is not working in your life. But God sees the bigger picture for your life. He knows where every road is leading and where the dead ends are. Proverbs 20:24 says, “A person’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand their own way?” When you realize you are in the palm of God’s hand and that nothing happens without His divine purpose, then you will begin to see and realize that the closed doors are just as important as the open doors.
Today, was such a beautiful day. Went to Church, was soooo happy but then after Church, my day just fuuuully got killed. You killed my day. I got angry &still blamed myself. I still felt the need to apologise. My dad asked me to drive home today after Church, I was sooo angry that I got out of the car &told my dad to drive because I was ready to go run someone over &that someone was YOU ! &Then your car went past mine &I was actually sitting there thinking damn it, I should have drove so I can crash into your car. I even told my dad to speed up &crash into you guys. My thoughts have gone way beyond evil. &Tbh, I know that if I was driving I would have crashed into you on purpose without hesitation because I was that worked up. Youve messed up with my life. I felt soooo bad for thinking such evil thoughts &after Mass even when I just finished praying my heart out to our Heavenly Father &to make things worse I took my anger out on my dad. My poor dad was getting all this sheeit from me &it was Father’s Day. &All because i let you get to me. Like what the heeeck ? Eventually, I went quiet on our drive home &then I got home &took my anger out on my sister. Ive become a person that Ive never wanted to be &I knew what I had to do. I drove down to ze cemetery where I went to see my beautiful Godmother. As soon as I got to her grave &saw her beautiful face, all the anger was released. She really is my sunshine on a rainy day. I placed my basket of flowers down on her grave &as I just stood there smiling. Everything was gone. I was back to me. Had I not been in a rush to go home, I would have sat there &poured my life out to you, but time was just not on our side today Mamma. But thats ok, because next time when I dont have my sister waiting impatiently in the car I will definitely sit &have a chat with you. I miss you soo much its undescribable &even though I dont always come to your grave whenever I think of you, everything just gets lost with the rest of the pain Im burying myself in. &I know that you are looking over me as well as Grandma &it is you both keeping me going. I love you.
But along with the anger Im beginning to realise that I think Ive gotten to the point where Im sick of trying. I dont know why youre angry, if anything I should be the one who’s angry. Its just soooo weird, even though you treat me like sheeeeit I still wanna sort things out with you. But ive decided, sort this sheeeit out &then let you be. Life’s too short to hold grudges &I know I say this all the time but with the recent deaths within our communities its made me realise that life really is too short. You dont know when your time will be here, which is why I soooo badly wanna sort things out with you because Im scared. I dont want to live in regret. I wanna say eveyrthing &then when the time comes at least I know that everything is out. So im gonna try one last time &if you continue to ignore me then thats ok. Ill just have to leave it at that. Because tbh, part of me is only pretending to care &thee other part of me just doesnt care at all. Ive been through enough sheit with you to come to the realisation that I dont need you anymore. But even though I say that, part of me isnt ready to let you go completely :/
So there i was just scrolling through someones tumblr, and i came across this and i just stopped. It caught my attention for a long time. I noticed every piece breaking, in slow motion so clearly and the one thing that came to my mind was that moment when your heart breaks. When you can feel it drop and break into little pieces when you hear something that you wish wasn’t true, the truth that you have made yourself not believe, read something you wish hadn’t, or seen something you wish you hadn’t.
LMAO IM DYING
Today m’little one said to me, ‘Dee, forgive &forget man, forgive &forget.’ &I duno, for some reason, it got to me. Like, to this moment its still running around in circles in my head. I mean, I know she’s right, I should forgive &I kindaah think I have, cause it doesnt really bother me anymore but then i really dont know why its getting to me so bad ? I hear it &even say these 3 words soooo many times to people but as I write this Ive just clicked, its never been said directly to me. Ive always been one to just put things behind me but this one time I havent ? I normally dont show my emotion, but this one time apparently I am showing emotion &people have seen how its affecting me ? :/ Im telling myself I have forgiven because Im not really angry, but I duno. I dont know how to act around you anymore ? I tried to sort things out with you but you ignored me. I didnt want things to be awkward which is why I wanted to sort things out &thats exactly what happened today when we saw each other. It was awkward &what saddened me was that m’little one was in the middle of it, like literally. &Right now, theres a huuuge part of me wanting to apologise to you, but then I dont because its like why am I the one thats ALWAYS apologising &feeling like im in the wrong ? Soo this one time, Im going to try &hold myself back from apologising but I know that it wont last long cause thats just who I am. Always apologising no matter how much Im being told that Im not the one that should be apologising but if you knew me youd know that I like to blame myself for everything that goes wrong no matter how big or small. But thats just me. Whether Ill ever grow out of this phase I dont know. I can now honestly say that being hurt doesnt get to me anymore. Its become my life. Im living in a world of pain. People come &go &its always the ones who tell me they care for me that hurt me the most. Which is why I dont welcome people into my life because its as if I have a sign on my forehead saying ‘Im easy, you can walk all over me.’ I guess its my fault. I let people walk all over me all because I dont have it in me to hurt others &even when I am just speaking my mind I end up apologising. Which is why when people tell me they care, I dont believe them. I dont tell them I dont, but I really dont, I just cant risk getting attached to people anymore. Well I can, because Im so used to getting hurt now. However, I remind myself to smile because there are people out there going through so much worse. &I dont know where Im going with this post so imma just stop. But to anyone who maybe reading this, if anyone, remember to smile.